How do I react to someone telling me I’m not doing a good job or slacking in a area? My mind tells me that I shouldn’t eat the rest of the day and not take any breaks because only a good worker deserves breaks. If I didn’t have to take a lunch, I wouldn’t do that either. It makes me feel better when I don’t eat. More in control and less emotional. I hate emotions, they make me weak.
Can’t sleep, I am obsessing over starving 05/18/2012
Calorie restriction+lack of sleep= jittery, anxious and obsessive thoughts.
I feel almost high right now. I don’t want to eat even though I’m hungry (I know I am because my stomach has been growling for the past hour or more.) It feels rather nice. I feel empty and pure for once. I’m planning on going to the gym in a few hours to empty myself of calories.
I’m always wondering what people think about me when they see me or talk to me. I wonder if they think I’m crazy, nice, normal, or if they don’t think anything at all. Maybe I’m a easily forgotten once they walk away. I don’t like the feeling of being forgotten. It scares me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall 05/17/2012
I don’t really even know what I look like because my eating disorder messes with my vision. Sometimes I see someone who is fairly thin and other times I see a horrible, fat, disgusting person. I wish I could see myself for what I really look like. I hate having pictures taken of me because again, I see a blob of fat.
On a positive note, I didn’t over eat nor did I under eat yesterday or today. I felt pretty good this morning because of that fact. I feel less bloated and less icky to be in my own skin. There are days when I just want to tear off my skin in order to feel anxiety. My body causes me anxiety. How do you get away from your own body?
Throwing out temptations 05/12/2012
My roommate bought me two fresca bean burritos and a pint of ice cream. I managed to throw out the burritos but tomorrow I will flush down the ice cream. I will lose all the weight, I will get to my goal weight (without a doubt I’ll make a new one along the way) and I will not give into temptation It’s evil and I’m not worth the good tasting food. It seems like it goes to waste on me but I can’t say no to my friend because I will anger him. It’s easier to be sneaky and lie. He told me it’s all about self control, so here is my self control. I will refuse to eat any more than my allowed amount and throw away anything else. I can’t even trust myself with food. My body is turning against me and my mind hates me with a passion. Life is swell;)
Update 03/10/2012
So far, it hasn’t gone so very well. My weight keeps going up and down due to my binges and restriction. Vicious cycle, it truly is.
My family wants nothing to do with me. I called on my Mom’s birthday and she never answered. I texted my sister and messaged her on FB and she never answered. I give up on them.
My focus now is to lose 20-30lbs. If I get thinner, I will have an easier time blocking the thought of them out of my mind. I’m giving myself a 2 week break of weighing myself (lets see how long that really lasts, lol!).
My anxiety and depression have increased over the last couple of weeks. I am suicidal half the time. I talked to my assistant manager and we just spoke about it and the eating disorder. I feel I can be honest with her unlike with other people. I’m always afraid that if someone truly got to know me, they would be disappointed by what they see. It’s easier to allow people to see the good side rather than the dead side.
Feeling ugly, wanna starve 02/19/2012
I got a new tattoo on my neck and a week later broke out in hives because of either the ink or lotion. Went to the doctor today and got a cream. I just feel even uglier than usual. I just want to hide and come out only to exercise.
My Mom’s b-day is today. We haven’t spoken for a long time because I argued with my sister and her retarded boyfriend. Nonetheless, I got no answer and my sister and refusing to answer her texts. I don’t really see any point to anything anymore. I’m just going through the motions of life and it’s mundane. I think I may really start restricting now. It would make me feel more in control and better about life. When I’m starving, I feel better and less worried even if the world around me is falling apart.
Never enough 01/25/2012
I went to the gym twice today for a total of 4 hours but my mind tells me I could of gone longer if I weren’t so weak willed. I wish I could just shut off my thoughts. I will probably go back to the gym early tomorrow morning that way I know I’m empty.
I binged a bit today. “Healthy” food but nonetheless a binge. Salad, bananas, and oatmeal. I know I need this to stop before it kills me but it’s so hard to stop. Part of me wants it to and the other part is holding on to this disease for it’s own sanity.
It’s been awhile 01/21/2012
I’m still alive, well, sort of.
I am still trying to lose the extra pounds that I put on due to my carelessness of eating. I’m getting to the lower 140′s and heading into (AGAIN!) the 130′s. This will be when the pain in my whole body starts because I’m putting too much stress on my organs and my body is eating itself alive. But that doesn’t bother me much because all I care about is to get thinner and become less appealing to the eyes of others. I hate any sort of attention from either sex when it’s based on my looks. I feel uncomfortable unless they are telling me that I’m too thin or that I look sick. Those comments make me feel like I’m getting somewhere.
I stop eating anywhere between from 2-6pm and than I eat again the next day at breakfast. That way I feel empty in the morning and feel cleaner. Food just makes me feel dirty and low. Knowing that it is in me makes me feel like a failure. I’m suppose to be good at something. I want to be good at something. I’m failing.
Everything else has lost it’s meaning to me. I no longer want to move up at my job. I don’t want to go back to school. I just want to get thinner. It’s all I think about.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I ate an entire Hershey bar, you know, the real big one? I woke up terrified that perhaps I really ate it, which thankfully I didn’t. The next night I had a dream about passing out.
I look at my arms and all I see is fat. I see fat everywhere.
Feeling very triggered tonight 12/19/2011
I was at the gym trying to purge as many calories as possible from earlier today and I happened to see a guy at the gym who always happens to look at me. He is pretty good looking but a bit strange in his manners. I happen to see him tonight and he was with a girl. It started to make me think that perhaps I’ll never date or get married because I am too fucked up and fat Just then the “voice” chimed in with “don’t worry, you will always have me.” I felt almost at ease after hearing that because I don’t need anyone. I have my eating disorder and it never left me or failed me like people did.
Later on while I was getting on the bus to go home my bus driver made a comment to me about the amount of time I stayed at the gym. He drove me to the gym at about 8:45pm and I caught the bus back at 12am. I know it’s a long time but people don’t understand the obsession of burning calories. I have to feel empty. I have to feel light.
Brownies and chocolate covered pretzels 12/11/2011
I’m at work right now and someone brought in, as mentioned in title, treats I will not eat these because if I eat them it will prove I have no control and it will lead to a binge. I don’t like eating any forbidden food especially in front of others. I’m afraid that they will think I’m weak or worse yet, normal. I am not normal. I don’t give into temptations like them.. my biggest fear truly is that they will think I’m weak and that I failed. I’m a failure but I want to succeed at getting thinner and thinner until I dissappear.
